Curious about how it works?  Check it out:

Who does this kind of stuff?  Why, the plain ‘ol All American Couple like Ashley & Chris:

And the Interracial Sex Bomb Sweethearts, Amber & Jason:

And of course, the Hippy-Happy Au Naturale Honeys, Tilly & Jay Jay:

vibrator ~  a device for the body and skin, to stimulate the nerves for a relaxing and pleasurable feeling

Did you know the vibrator is older than electricity?  That’s right, the first model came out in 1734 and used a crank similar to that of an hedonistic egg beater.  But of course, it wasn’t until the invention of electricity that vibrators became more mainstream.  One of the first mechanical vibrators was the steam-powered Manipulator (pictured below), invented by Dr. George Taylor in 1869.

For centuries, doctors had been treating women for a wide variety of illnesses by performing what is now recognized as masturbation.  “Hysteria” was a common medical “disorder” that women suffered from when they had not experienced an orgasm for a long period of time.  According to man doctors of the past, hysteria was caused by a build up of “female semen” in the blood that if wasn’t released, could cause major mental/emotional/physical stress.  So what was the cure?  Stimulating a woman’s private parts until she orgasm-ed, of course.

However, over time doctors complained of sore hands and wrists due to such tiring maneuvers on the female vulva so it makes sense that the first vibrator, however rudimentary, was invented by a male doctor!  So thank you, Dr. Taylor; not only were you too lazy to perform your duty as a doctor (and humorously as a man too), but you kick-started a phenomenal tool for women to use for their pleasure, a tool ironically inspired by a man’s own feministic and prehistoric ignorance.

I’m not bitter towards men, just love making fun of the idiotic things humans have done in the past, especially in the medical realm.  Anyway!  So, how did the trend continue from the 1800s?  Well, let’s take a walk down Vibe Memory Lane:

The Arnold Massage, 1909

It’s rumored that Samuel Clemens himself (better known by his pen name, Mark Twain) used this early model.  Resembling a hand mixer, the Arnold Massager was advertised as a facial exfoliater that would preserve perpetual youth.

Polar Cub Electric Vibrator, 1921

This vibrator was originally advertised as a beauty aid (as many of the early models were).  The suction cup head is a “texture add on” that delivers different sensations (much like attachments you can add to the head of many vibrators today, such as the Hitachi wand).  I’m not sure what scares me more: the fact that it looks like a power tool or the fact that the man hand in the picture is gripping it so hard his knuckles are white.

Wahl Hand-E, 1940

The box states that this product is for the “face, scalp, and body”; it was coil-operated and much quieter than the competitors.  If you notice, you will see all the different textured attachments (like I mentioned above).

Oster Stim-u-lax for Barbers, 1948 

Though initially invented for barbers to give a post-cut scalp massage, it was soon discovered that the Stim-u-lax would serve a higher purpose in the boudoir.  Like a mini-engine strapped to your hand, it was built for fans of forceful digital play.

Vibra Slim, 1960

 Yes, vibrating furniture has been around for a while, folks.  If you don’t have any, then your home is probably ultra boring

Niagara Hand Unit, 1968

The vanguard of vibrator personalization, the Niagara Hand Unit came equipped with a dial for speed, allowing for adjustment throughout use.  The Niagara was also one of the first vibrators suited for the versatility of internal and external use.

Norelco Massager, 1969

Advertised as a back massager, Philips was the first to make the powerful wand design for “personal care.”  The Norelco was the vibrating prelude to the top-selling Hitachi Magic Wand of today.

Personal Vibrator, 1970

Now that’s starting to look more like the vibes we’ve cum… op, I mean COME to know and love!  This slimline, bullet-shaped vibrator was the first sex toy to actually be marketed as such.  Lacking the bells and whistles of early vibrators, the Personal vibrator reflected the newly-explored, open sexuality of the 70s.

Prelude 3, 1976

Well, I thought we were making progress but I guess the 70s still had some old fashioned toys for us to adore.  The Prelude 3 comes with the largest selection of attachments, some appearing suction-like.  You should note that a suction shape doesn’t necessarily mean it actually suctions the clitoris; it just fits over it nicely.

$50 on Eden Fantasys, shop now!

If you’re confused about how you place it on your lady bits, I will try to explain.  You can hold it with the white tip pointing toward the floor and tease your clitoris with only the white tip.  OR, you can hold it with the white tip pointing toward the ceiling and literally “lay” it on your clitoris with the purple end facing your derriere.  In either position, the curve of the toy will shape to the curve of your vulva.

Despite the placement I used, I didn’t get much out of the toy.  Don’t get me wrong: if you’re not sure how strong of a vibration you want or if you know you want a milder vibration, this vibe will most likely be a good place to start.  But for me, the vibrations weren’t strong enough.  Also, I didn’t like that the whole toy vibrated instead of just the tip vibrating, which is what I want most since the tip hits the clitoris.  I would have even settled for the tip vibrating stronger than the rest of the toy but again, it just didn’t hit the spot for me (badum-chm)!

Comfortably Numb: Oral Sex Lollipop

Geared to make oral sex easier and more comfortable for the ladies, the Comfortably Numb Collection comes with all you need to succeed.  I didn’t use the entire collection, only the lollipops.  It did pretty much nothing.  It tasted good (like spearmint) but the effect was basically the same as popping a Cepacol logenze.  It also took about 10 minutes before I felt anything at all so if you do decide to use it, start early!

Coochy Shaving Cream

Love the idea but it’s just not worth consistently buying.  It’s supposed to make your legs feel “super silky” and reduce irritating razor bumps from shaving.  It does make your legs soft but bumps come and go no matter what special product I use so I didn’t think Coochy did anything amazing in that arena.  Also, I get the same soft effect when I use hair conditioner as shaving cream (which is basically what Coochy is).  NEXT!

ON Natural Arousal Oil

In the sex store, they place a drop of this on your tongue so you can “feel the results.”  It tasted a little like cloves mixed with some other weird flavor I couldn’t pin-point (not entirely bad tasting but not good either).  It made my tongue a bit numb too.  I wasn’t impressed but I gave it a try in the bedroom.  Result: not impressed there either.  I felt absolutely nothing.  We even put on more than suggested just in case I was desensitized more than normal people.  Still, nothing.  It was a total waste and I’ll tell you something else: you get the same “cooling and revitalizing” sensation by placing a drop of peppermint essential oil on your lady bits AND it’s way cheaper.  So… yea… I’d go with that.

Masque Sexual Flavors

Another product to help the ladies during their oral activities (I suppose it could help men too but I never hear men complain about oral sex being difficult).  Anyway, these strips are flavored and are placed on your tongue to help make oral sex “bearable.”  The flavor isn’t that great, doesn’t last that long and doesn’t help with the real problem, which is that your man’s junk needs to be bathed or he needs to start eating better.  Again, it was a waste in my opinion.  And also again, you can find a cheaper, easier way to get the same result: Listerine breath strips.

Nipple Bulb

At first I wanted to ream into this toy for being stupid and pointless.  But let’s take this one step at a time.  On the upside, of course it’s sexy to have your nipples erect; I get that.  And a pump will definitely make them a bit more erect (if not alarmingly so) than simply pinching them.  Depending on the person, the nipples may even stay erect longer, which is a plus I suppose.

Buy my biggest problem with this is that one of the things I find sexy about erect nipples is the fact that my man is making them that way.  I want them to be pinched, fondled, licked and sucked; a nipple bulb takes all that fun away.  I do understand, though, if you want to walk out with already erect nipples as a seductive tactic; the bulb would be useful.  But even then I think, “just pinch the damn things!”  I guess I’m on the fence about these.  Buy them yourself so I don’t feel alone in my confusion…

Kamasutra: Intensifying Gel with a Unique Pulsating Applicator

 Love this idea: a vibrating applicator about the size of a lipstick tube that releases lube.  It’s awesome for traveling, it’s fun and quirky and it’s one step away from what I really want (full on vibrators that secrete lube on their own).  I’m so tired of having to apply lube awkwardly then keep going with the sexy; why not put it all in one toy?!  This little applicator is not strong enough to have a full on orgasm (not for me at least) but I still like the idea.  This is one purchase that might have been worth it.

Yep, I know your dirty ways; you have all been aching for this for years!  After all, poking people is getting really old and what’s worse, it’s not anonymous.  Not to mention I think all the married people out there definitely need a safer, more convenient way to cheat, don’t you think? 

Curious how it works?  Here are the steps:

Step 1: Sign in with Facebook

So you can see your friends (don’t worry – it’s discreet)!

Step 2: Pick the friends you want to Bang

We will only show your friends that you’re interested if they are too!

Step 3: Message Each Other

Once we know you’re both down, we’ll send you both an email – when and where is up to you!

Step 4: B-a-n-g

Yup, that’s right. Slow, fast, rough, or soft you decide how it goes. Stay safe!

Pfronten, Bavaria in Germany

Waldseilgarten is an adventure mountain resort that offers guests a thrilling night in the wilderness.  Nestled at the top of a mountain summit, daring guests can spend the night hanging off the tree tops, suspended over a cliff face, or within a hand built igloo.  Um.  That’s awesome.

Anantara Kihavah, Maldives

You may be asking yourself, is that my own private island?  Why yes, yes it is.  The resort is located on a secluded island and all guests have their own pool and a private stretch of beach.

You may also be wondering if that is in fact an underwater restaurant.  Right again!  This resort features a restaurant completely submerged under the ocean, offering amazing views of the surrounding sea life.  A villa for two runs about $2,000 per night.  Not as bad I thought, actually.

The Ice Hotel, Sweden

Everything at this hotel is made out of ice, and quite prettily I might add.  You sleep in a thermal sleeping bag on a bed built by ice blocks, a wooden frame, mattress and it is topped with reindeer skins.  You’re surrounded by art work made of ice and snow, by artists from all over the world.  The indoor temperature never drops below –5 to -8ºC.  Why stay somewhere so freakin’ cold?  Well for one, you never have to worry about your martini glass not being frosted enough:

Secondly, it’s not that expensive ranging from $300-1500 per night.  Lastly, it’s a freakin’ ICE HOTEL PEOPLE!  That’s just awesome.  There’s even a chapel made completely out of ice in case you’d like to worship your deity in the 9th Circle of Hell (Dante’s Inferno reference).

Thorngrove Manor, Australia

Don’t like sand or ice?  Prefer something more Thomas Kinkaidish?  Look no further:

Thorngrove is one of the world’s most outstanding, romantic and artistic boutique properties (for $6K a night it better be).  It’s the perfect place to elope, declare your undying love for one another and experience the rest of your honeymoon in a fairytale land.  Who knows; you might run into an elf from Lord of the Rings who mistakenly took your cottage for Rivendell property.

The Beer Moth, U.K.

Is this all just too fancy for you?  You may be better suited for the Beer Moth truck:

This “hotel” is a cleverly converted Commer Q4 1950s fire truck that began hosting overnight guests in 2011.  Inside it includes a Victorian brass double bed, an oak parquet floor (taken from a Tudor mansion), a wood-burning stove for those chilly Scottish nights, a fire escape for a staircase—and all the fresh air you could want.  For $100 a night I guess you could do worse.

Sala Silvermine Underground Suite, Sweden

At 500′ underground, this hotel, hewn from the rock by 18th-century silver miners, is the deepest in the world.  Comprising only one room, the suite in the abandoned Sala Silver Mine is not for the claustrophobic.  On check-in, a guide provides a brief tour of the mine then leaves guests to endure the constant 36 degrees, with possible side effects of loneliness and paranoia, until morning.  Your seclusion will only cost you $600 per night.

Bubble Tree, France

Not into seclusion so much?  Well, you are probably the perfect candidate for the inflatable bubble.

The airy architectural bubbles were designed by Pierre Stéphane Dumas and have proved popular all across France.  Eight locations currently use them as guesthouses, including one on the grounds of the 16th-century castle Château de la Forêt.  Ideal for stargazing; maybe not so much for “active” lovers.

Seadventures, Malaysia

As someone who loves to dive, I had to include this one:

This is an old oil rig that has been re-fashioned into a diver’s resort.  Situated in some of the best diving waters in the world, it is the only one of its kind.  Their trademark is the famed elevator that lowers divers directly into the best house reef in the area right under the rig. Gone are the days of lugging your gear and giant stride entries – just walk on and let yourself be lowered into the water and slide right off into your dive (AWESOME!).  The lift is also the main platform for their famous Rig Jump – a favorite feat for all guests to try at least once while they are there.  Are you game?  OH, I AM SO GAME!

Propeller Island City Lodge, Germany

If you are a Dr. Seuss fan, you will probably love this hotel in Berlin:

This is only one of about 50 room options you can choose from (the picture above is the Mirror Room).  Your options for madness are endless: rooms with slanted floors, furniture on the ceiling (except for the bed of course), cage beds that you can lock your lover into, UV light rooms, “sleeping in coffins” room, grandmother’s room where everything is old, and much, much more.  The most expensive room is only $250 a night; not bad for crazy.

La Villa Hamster, France

Speaking of crazy:

The name is no joke: guests of this one-room hotel receive hamster masks on check-in and, once inside, find water is dispensed only by stomping on a metal lever.  A giant haystack functions as a bed, and the bathroom is covered in wood chips (a regular human toilet is also provided).  The centerpiece, naturally, is the life-size hamster wheel.

Giraffe Manor, Kenya

Ok, I love giraffes so I literally squealed with excitement for 10 minutes when I found this hotel:

Now, if you’re thinking this is beautiful home from the 1930s situated on 12 acres of private land within 140 acres of indigenous forest with giraffe who are allowed to poke their heads into the windows and be fed like this:

THEN YOU ARE TOTALLY 100% CORRECT!  Good thing this is the last hotel because I’m too excited right now to think about anything other than giraffes eating with me at breakfast.  

I don’t want anyone to accuse me of giving info that is one sided.  We’ve heard a lot about the vagina lately; it’s time to switch gears.  Ladies and gents, it’s time to learn a little bit about the penis:

I will make this short and simple (much like a man’s penis).

Just kidding, guys.  Sorry.  Anyway, sperm is manufactured in the testicles and proceeds through the tubules until it reaches the seminal vesicle.  Here, sperm is further processed as it combines with other products (proteins, sugars, etc.).  At this point, the fluid is termed “semen,” runs through the prostate while combining with even more products, and eventually leads down and out of the urethra as a man ejaculates.

How do erections work?  Physical and/or mental stimulation cause nerves in the brain to send chemical messages to nerves in the penis telling the penile blood vessels to relax so that blood can flow freely into the penis.  Once in the penis, high pressure traps the blood within both corpora cavernosa (this is the spongy tissue located in the penis).  This causes the penis to expand and sustain an erection.  The penis is NOT A MUSCLE.

Now that we’ve got the less fun stuff out of the way, let’s learn some interesting facts:

Smoking can shorten your penis by as much as a centimeter.  This is because smoking negatively affects blood flow!

Doctors can now grow skin for burn victims using the foreskins of circumcised infants.  One foreskin can produce 23,000 square meters, which would be enough to tarp every Major League infield with human flesh.

The average male orgasm lasts 6 seconds.  Women get 23 seconds.  Men’s Health Magazine suggests that if women are really interested in equality, we would make sure men get 4 orgasms to her every 1.  My rebuttal to that is, men have far more orgasms than women because most men can’t give her the orgasm she wants.  So be a better lover and I’ll give you more orgasms, fool!

The oldest known species with a penis is a hard-shelled sea creature called Colymbosathon ecplecticos.  That’s Greek for “amazing swimmer with large penis.”

 Circumcised foreskin can be reconstructed.  Movable skin on the shaft of the penis is pulled toward the tip and set in place with tape.  Later, doctors apply plastic rings, caps, and weights.  Years can pass until complete coverage is attained.  Um, yay?

Only one man in 400 is flexible enough to give himself oral pleasure.  It’s estimated, however, that all 400 have given it their best shot at some point.

There are two types of penises.  One kind expands and lengthens when becoming erect (a grower).  The other appears big most of the time, but doesn’t get much bigger after achieving erection (a shower).  An international Men’s Health survey reports that 79% of men have growers, 21% have showers.  I would maintain, however, that many men might not want to admit they don’t grow much during erection; could these numbers be skewed?

Scottish psychologists studied the sexual appetites of 323 women and found that most reach orgasm more easily when their lover’s penis exceeds the average size of 5.8″.  HOWEVER!  The first sentence states that this is the case “only for some women, and for certain types of orgasms.”

The penis that’s been enjoyed by the most women could be that of King Fatefehi of Tonga, who supposedly deflowered 37,800 women between the years 1770 and 1784—that’s about 7 virgins a day.  Could you tell this sentence comes from a men’s magazine: “the penis that’s been enjoyed by most…”?

The most common cause of penile rupture: vigorous masturbation.

1.  They share every mundane event in their romantic life, and under ridiculously premature circumstances.

or idiotic circumstances…

2.  They start entirely too early with their obsessive love.

3.  And in general, have no clue what’s going on.

4.  They remind you how hopeless mankind’s future really is.

5.  They make you want to stick a sharp object through your eye if it means you don’t have to read their post.

6.  And in general, act like complete morons.

*cuntdestrOyer*

7.  Only to turn around and wonder why their life sucks.

8.  Thank God for parents, because they come up with some hilarious relief on the battle front.

9.  Especially when it’s as funny as this…

10.  And it’s good to know SOME people are still sane and can respond properly to the idiocy that abounds.

11.  Others are even slightly funny despite the inappropriate, public exchange on a social networking site.

12.  Bust most are just bat-shit crazy.

13.  Women showcase their neurotic nature freely.  Exhibit A: the passive aggressive approach.

*nice rebuttal boys*

14.  The fickle tendency. 

15.  The explosive anger that ends up helping the man’s cause.

16.  And of course, the pathetically insecure and the crazies.

 17.  While boys just get to be funny.

18.  Don’t feel guilty; you can be a non-judgmental person and still ask, “Can people be this dumb?”

19.  The answer is yes.  They must be, otherwise they wouldn’t share dumb things with the entire internet.

20.  So PLEASE people, just stop being publicly stupid and keep your posts to yourself.

21.  Because you will probably just end up making yourself look silly.

22.  Or like a complete ass…

23.  Or just plain douche.

24.  Which will only force my hand to write mean things about you.

“ABOUT TO BE DELETED”?!  Does this conversation not qualify for non-friend status?  WTF, people?  This is literally my face right now:

25.  Seriously, guys.  Can’t you just be funny like these people and call it quits?

attributed to Helga Weber

Participants were 331 undergraduate students who answered questions about their first-time sexual encounter and their current sexual functioning (ie, sexual satisfaction, sexual depression).  Participants then described and rated each of their sexual interactions for 2 weeks.  Results show that participants who had more positive first-time sexual experiences (ie, intimacy, respect) report greater feelings of sexual satisfaction and esteem and less sexual depression.

We should remember to approach any kind of research with scrutiny and a keen observation to details.  For instance:

• The undergraduate students were all psychology majors and all from the same mid-Atlantic university.  This automatically means you have an extremely narrow (and potentially bias) sample.
• 12 participants were removed because they reported their 1st experience as physically aggressive and the researchers felt this information would provide non-normative data (ie, most people’s 1st time is not aggressive).
• There were almost twice as many women participants than men (206 versus 113).
• The study only counted your 1st heterosexual experience, and the participants didn’t have to be currently sexually active.
• Data was gathered from personal questionnaires that the students themselves filled out.  This is important because people’s biases, opinions, definitions and point of view can affect results.  For instance, what I consider a positive sexual encounter may not be so for someone else.

I think you get the point.  Regardless, it’s an interesting study and not that surprising, right?  If you had a good first time, you probably had a good relationship with your partner and yourself.  That already means you’re setting yourself up for success in the future.  Of course there are exceptions; just because you had a bad first time (or not even bad, maybe just not meaningful) doesn’t mean you can’t be happy in the bedroom today.

I read a man’s comments on this study and I agreed with him when he said that a bad first time + a good second time = a great present time.  Chances are you will have a good experience at some point and hopefully that will pave the way for more goodness in the future!