There is a lot of marketing out there, people. A lot of societal pressures and ideas about how we should live our life. Men are encouraged to make money, buy expensive things, womanize and eventually provide for a family. Women are encouraged to attract the right man, raise good kids, provide a loving environment and be attractive by any means necessary. And when I say any means necessary, I do mean ANY MEANS. Some of the products out there for women are so outrageous they’re laughable. I’m not even sure how someone got funding to market certain items. So the question becomes: how far is too far, ladies? When does the insanity end?
I know I’m opening my criticism with a popular choice for women but we have to be honest, girls: there is nothing that will make you look 2 sizes smaller while also being undeniably sexy. It’s science. Sorry.
Keitai (“Mobile”) Otohime
Japanese women often flush the toilet to hide embarrassing sounds and on many toilets in Japan there are built in “toilet sound blockers.” But what do you do when there’s no built in sound blocker? You use the Keitai Otohime! This nifty device allows you discreet bathroom time; by simply pressing a button you can mask the noise of your toilet activities. I could see this being kind of ridiculously useful (as long as you don’t mind strangers asking you why your stall seemed to be emitting cute animal noises).
FINALLY! Someone besides J-Lo gets to show off some assets (pun intended). On a more serious note, why is a peppy, high school aged, adorable skinny white girl marketing these things? She’s obviously going to be fine without butt pads; we don’t feel bad for her. Now, a curvy, exotic Latin American looking over her shoulder with a sad face, caption: “I’m missing the ass gene” would be WAY more effective. Am I right or am I right?
I know you’ve been waiting to pee like a man. ALL these years you’ve been thinking: my existence would be further validated if only I could pee standing up. Well. I am your effin’ fairy godmother today, ladies; VOILA your wish is fulfilled! You’re. Welcome.
Kush Breast Seperator
FINALLY! A device that will separate my boobs while laying on my side! WHY, you ask? If you have to ask, you obviously won’t ever get it…
Face Slimming Mask
I thought Asians might be done with the “binding body parts” fad but apparently, it’s still a thing. And apparently, it saves you money on two accounts: you avoid botox AND now you don’t have to buy a Hannibal Lecter mask for Halloween! Ka-CHING, money in tha’ bank, yo!
Uhhhh. Hm. I… hm… I’m not sure what to say. Camel toe is unsightly. But the reason you see camel toe is a girl is wearing something too tight (or for maybe a miniscule of a second you are in a weird position wearing a bikini). Should we not be encouraging people to shop a size up rather than creating a pad to stick in our underwear? (which, I’m pretty sure already exists… *ahemmaxicough*)
Gas Mask Bra
In its defense, for anyone living in wartime situations or employed in a chemical plant, all the women will be set. On a more critical note, the female doctor who cooked up this idea actually won the 2009 Ig Nobel Public Health Prize for the invention. Just goes to show you can do anything… b/c the world has such low standards.
G String Jeans
Yes please, let’s making slutting around easier than it already is.
Wine Rack Bra
OMG. SERIOUSLY. THIS. IS. EFFING. AWESOME.
My New Pink Button
YUP. It dyes your labia. I still can’t confirm if this is an actual product. I can’t find it anywhere online to buy and all the reviews are humorously sarcastic (left by people who, like me, are poking fun). But I would not be surprised if it was a real thing. *sigh… weeping for humanity….
Men have not been excluded from the fun! Although most their items have to do with the toilet or sex, they are still just as stupid as the women’s items:
Weener Kleener Soap
(if it’s so dirty you need a specific tool to clean it I suggest you visit your doctor
(seriously, guys? SERIOUSLY?)
Chest Hair Toupee
(she won’t find your fake chest hair more manly, FYI)
Gold Man Home Urinal
(if you want a urinal so bad I suggest you leave my house and stay in your filthy bar)
UroClub Golf Urinal
(why is urinating & golf put together so often?)
Girl Crying DVD
(if only I had known; coulda made a lot of money in my early 20s)
(if you can’t do it yourself, you’re not cool enough to have a goatee)